


The Ozpin files

by Anon_H



Category: RWBY
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Shipping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-05 21:50:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5391641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anon_H/pseuds/Anon_H
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After another succesful hack, Cinder learns that Ozpin isn't the fearsome opponent she had made him out to be.</p><p> He is actually kind of a prick.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ozpin files

“New Access Point available.”

Cinder glanced down at her tablet. Her program had already spread to nearly every system on Beacon. She could manipulate nearly everything as she saw fit, ranging from the cafeteria menu to the match-ups of the Vytal Tournament. Even Atlas systems had been infected thanks to the general’s carelessness.

All in due time. Everything would fall into place soon enough.

As long as she won’t use this power frivolously, her enemies won’t realize her fangs are already at their throats.

“OZPIN.PC now unlocked.”

For just a moment, Cinder was taken by surprise. She had seen Ironwood’s personal files, had access to the inner workings of Amity Colosseum and had familiarized herself with Beacon’s security systems.  
This however, could get her insight into one of her most persistent opponents.

With a modest smirk she began looking through his files and after scrolling through his documents, she finally found something that piqued her interests.

OZPIN DOCUMENTS[PERSONAL].zip

Finally, she could catch a glimpse of what was going on in the head of her mighty rival. With a few more taps on the touch screen she unzipped the file and looked at its contents. There had to be something she could use.

-PERSONAL NOTES  
-TEACHER CONFERENCE NOTES  
-VYTAL FESTIVAL NOTES  
-GUARDIAN NOMINATIONS  
-ANALYSIS: TEAM RWBY/TEAM JNPR

Cinder tried to keep a calm façade as she opened the first file.

* * *

 

**\--PERSONAL NOTES--**

**Entry 1**

Darn it, Glynda is looking at me again. Was she talking? I better keep typing to make it look like I am busy doing important headmastery things. Getting caught playing minesweeper was embarrassing enough the first two times.

Yes, this seems like the responsible course of action. Let’s just keep typing. We guardians have to keep up appearances to put our students at ease. I, as headmaster have to keep up appearances to put the staff at ease.

Circle of life.

**Entry 2**

Note to self: launching children from a cliff into the wilderness is perfectly acceptable as a means of initiation.

Incidentally, apparently it is considered a ‘faux pas’ to laugh maniacally as a frightened student gets launched.

I shall strive to do better with next group but cannot make any promises, as it is an objectively hilarious way of transportation.

Additional note: ask Oobleck to calibrate the launchpads. I fear one of the lighter students was shot into orbit.

**Entry 3**

Help!

I forgot what mustached guy’s name was and at this point I am too afraid to ask Glynda. It’s just that every time he begins talking, I am drawn to his moustache. Is there even a mouth under there or does he manages to vocalize his thoughts through his well-maintained facial hair.

This is going to make for a mighty awkward teacher’s conference.

**Entry 4**

Glynda informed me that I have just allowed a 15 year old into Beacon. This sounds wildly irresponsible and something a headmaster should never allow under normal circumstances. I’ll just play it off and claim to have seen untapped potential in her.

Additional note: Qrow is shockingly adapt at beer chess.

**Entry 5**

Glynda suggested we switch to decaf.

I suggested docking her pay.

Headmaster out!

**Entry 6**

The good news is that I managed nót to laugh as the children got launched into the wilderness this time. This may seem like a trivial accomplishment to some (Glynda) but how was I supposed to keep a straight face when that Arc kid asked me about landing strategies?

Incidentally, the bad news is that the Arc kid survived. Dumbass thinks I can’t tell his papers were forged. I am not sure whether to be impressed by his courage or afraid of his complete and utter stupidity. He misspelled Beacon twice and in two different ways, how did he even do that?

Forget it, I’ll just make him the leader of his team. If the pressure won’t scare him out of Beacon, I’m sure his team will before the first semester is over.

**Entry 7**

I overheard Dove Bronzewing talking to his teammates and referring to Mr Moustache as a, and I quote: scrublord. No dictionary I own reveals the meaning of this word. I shall make it my mission to figure out what this means.

Beacon’s financial report will have to wait.

**Entry 8**

Professor Oobleck mentioned that my chair was making him very uncomfortable. Personally, I do not see why. It is a very aesthetically pleasing penis-chair.

**Entry 9**

Okay, I GET that team RWBY did a good thing by stopping the White Fang from stealing any more dust. I just wish they understood that their actions meant that I had to do a whole lot of paperwork. Not only that but I had to chat with local authorities, who felt made inadequate because we essentially train super soldiers here.

Turns out they are right to feel inadequate.

Additional note: Turns out Torchwick had a stranglehold on the coffee-trade of Remnant as well. If this means I am not getting my Mantle-style roast for discount prices anymore I am going to be seriously cross with a 15 year old. 

**Entry 10**

How was Ms Belladonna’s team so surprised to learn that she was a faunus? Had they failed to notice her reaction when the cafeteria no longer served fish tacos?

Or am I missing the point…..

**Entry 11**

James’s presence is seriously cramping my style. It seems that anytime I am about to get some time to myself, he storms into my office with another complaint or suggestion regarding our security detail. I get it Jimmy, this isn’t Atlas and therefore everything is worse. If you miss home so much you can always construct another sexrobot. Don’t think I haven’t seen those P.E.N.N.Y. prototype schematics, Jimmy!

On the plus side, he offers to pretty much take over my workload, so for now I will allow it.

Headmaster has been needing some quality R&R anyway.

**Entry 12**

That faunus boy from Vacuo is making me incredibly self-conscious. Would it kill him to wear a shirt?

Edit: I just saw Glynda use magic to button the boy’s shirt up. Way to go Glynda.

**Entry 13**

Maybe I was a little harsh on the Arc kid. He really managed to rock that dress. Not only that but team JNPR’s synchronized dance act really got the party going. Mad respect. I can dig it.

Glynda said I cannot pass them on that alone and that Mrs Valkyrie and Kid Arc really need better grades if they want to make it to their second year. I said that she wasn’t going to stop me. She said the board of teachers would have something to say about that.

Glynda may be a scrublord.

**Entry 14**

The Cross Continental Transmit Tower got broken into last night during the party. Under Ironwood’s watch.

Additional note: Hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

**Entry 15**

How do so many huntresses manage to stay balanced when fighting on heels? I could barely stumble to my desk wearing them, let alone battle grim. Regardless, it seems to me like a self-inflicted disadvantage. Perhaps the responsible thing to do would be to forbid huntresses from wearing heels while in training.  
On the other hand, when has something as trivial as a rule stopped a huntress from doing/wearing what she wants?

Side note: See if we can make a test/convoluted life lesson out of purposefully breaking the rules.

Additional note: Glynda claims her favorite pair of shoes went missing. I dread to tell her the truth.

**Entry 16**

Mr Moustache wants to know why I wasn’t helping out during the grim invasion. Personally, I am shocked and offended that he would dare imply that I was being tardy when Vale needed me most. So naturally, I handled this with all the poise and control that is expected of a headmaster.

I wasn’t there because SOMEONE neglected to finish Beacon’s Q1 financial reports! Excuse me for trying to keep the lights on around here!

Additional note: get double glazed windows next time. These puppies break as soon as you throw something as innocuous as a chair against them.

**Entry 17**

I’m really starting to get a hang of these high heels. They’d still be a nightmare to wear into battle but now I can look James square in the eye when I tell him he fucked up, when he is inevitably going to fuck up.

They make me feel confident.

Additional note: Buy Glynda a pair of new shoes.

**Entry 18**

I can not be the only person to notice that EVERY DAMN SHOPKEEPER LOOKS THE SAME! Is it a well organized semblance? Has Atlas technology gone too far? Has Qrow been spiking my coffee again?!

At least there’s still Tukson’s Book Trade. There we have a shopkeeper that at least shows some individuality. Pleasant person, very well adjusted to the city life for a faunus and an exceptional conversationalist. I also happen to be quite fond of their collection.

Additional note: Never mind. It seems I am going to have to get used to old man shopkeep.

**Entry 19**

How is team CRDL still at Beacon? I thought they would have been kicked out by now. Their grades are lackluster on a good day and their combat skills are the worst of their grade (save for Jeanne? Jaude?). I was under the impression that we only accepted the exceptionally talented but I’m pretty sure I turned down students way more talented than Russel Trush.

Still, I am presented with the rare opportunity to call Sky Lark a scrublord during his personal evaluation. This should be good for a laugh.

No one will ever believe him.

**Entry 20**

I love my mug. There are many mugs like it but this one is mine and I love it.

**Entry 21**

Glynda just asked me for a raise, stating that without her magical prowess Beacon would have gone into the red years ago. Considering the destruction our students cause to cafeteria, courtyards and classrooms I am inclined to agree with her. I am not going to vocalize that thought however.

I told Glynda it is not in the budget right now, seeing as how the Vytal Festival is right around the corner. We are getting back to that topic áfter the festival concludes.

We are not actually getting back to that topic.

Additional note: According to Glynda we have been a little shoddy with our teacher’s salaries. Apparently professor Peach and professor Vermillion haven’t been paid all year.

I need to find out who these professors are and why they are on our payroll.

**Entry 22**

I can’t believe I had to lecture Ironwood again on basic military strategy. First you let your scouts assess the situation to determine the best course of action, thén you send in your force. This is 101, how did he ever make it to general without understanding this basic principle? His impatience and pride are going to be his undoing one day.

Additional note: Scouts, students, same difference.

**Entry 23**

I’ve been trying to make Glynda say ‘fuck’ all week. For as perpetually annoyed as she seems, she has a remarkable level of self-control. I would respect that but I also really want to hear her swear in front of the students.

**Entry 24**

I am looking through next year's applications to Beacon and certainly hope that the number of students can be neatly divided by four again. Having to send another three people home just because they wouldn't make for a traditional team would be a shame. Oh well, there's always next year.  
Additionally, we may have written ourselves into a bit of a corner, deciding to name teams after colors. CFVY was stretching it enough as it was but this year I had to use a W to substitute a U. I don't know how people keep letting me get away with this stuff. What am I going to do with we get a Xander? I don't know any colors with an X!

**Entry 25**

We have picked our candidate for the fall maiden. Ms Nikos kinda threw me off my game when I asked her what fairy tales she liked and went for the really obscure ones. Who even remembers the tale of two brothers? Regardless, I think we pitched it well. Qrow however is still very upset that he can't become a maiden. He seems particularly salty about the subject ever since we made Raven a maiden without consulting him. I'll have Glynda try to explain it to him one more time. If wearing a dress was all it took to become a maiden, I would have done so decades ago.

Additional note: suggest Qrow wear a dress anyway.

* * *

 

Cinder narrowed her eyes skimming through the entries Ozpin had made.

It was clear to her that this was a clever misdirection. The headmaster was a sly man and could have easily anticipated someone hacking into his system. Effective though it may be, there are many ways to counteract hackers. Even the Black Queen program could be tricked.

Creating a junkfile like this would give the impression that the headmaster was a thoughtless dunce, while in reality having a firm grasp on the situation. After all, Cinder knew that the wise never show their hand.

Still, there had to be a code to the files or a hidden message should Ozpin ever be incapacitated or worse. Something to offer those close to him a way to find out what he was planning.

Cinder clicked on the next file.

* * *

 

**\--TEACHER CONFERENCE NOTES--**

**Entry 1**

I cannot be the only one to have noticed this school only has a grand total of 4 teachers. We got Mr. Mustache, professor Oobleck and Glynda. Also myself, if there are no other teachers available. Which is all the time.

Saying this out loud during the conference apparently offended the other 10 people present.

Additional note: According to Glynda, those 10 other people also work as professors at our prestigious school. This would explain why the fridge in our staffroom needs to be restocked so often and would mean that Mr. Mustache did not in fact eat a small orphanage’s worth in food in a day.

I’m still not trusting him or Oobleck with the mountain dews any time soon.

Additional additional note: try to learn the name of Mr. Mustache during this meeting and maybe one or two of the other professors, assuming they really do work here.

**Entry 2**

Professor Oobleck suggests more coffee machines. His plan involved a complicated map, showing strategically placed dispensers. If implemented as suggested, it would ensure that no matter where you are, quality caffeine is never more than a two minute stroll away.

This man is a visionary.

**Entry 3**

One of the teachers suggested that, in light of the recent grim attack, we should stop bringing live grim into the school to test our students. Apparently it is considered a ‘safety hazard’.

I have never seen Mr. Mustache look so offended.

**Entry 4**

Professor Peach suggested giving the staff a raise because apparently we aren’t paying them a ‘living wage’.

I do not like this guy. Note to self: Check out whether or not he is an actual professor and how legally difficult firing him would be.

**Entry 5**

God this meeting is boring. If I just hold my breath long enough, I could probably pass out....

**Entry 6**

I’m weighing the pros and cons of just leaving this meeting. On the plus side, I won’t have to listen to Peach and Glynda rant about ‘living expenses’. On the downside, I’ll have to explain to Glynda why I am wearing her shoes.

All things considered, it’s probably best to stay seated.

**Entry 7**

Glynda raises her concerns about hosting the students from the other academies. I wonder if she realized Beacon is the size of a castle while every year only has like 12 students. Even if half the other students arrive before the Amity Colosseum, they’ll be able to live as kings in Beacon.

**Entry 8**

Professor Vermillion forgot the wi-fi password again. I don’t know how she forgets something as elementary as b3acon#. I physically can’t make it much simpler. I just can’t.

Note to self: Vermillion is a scrublord.

**Entry 9**

Would you look at this. Even someone as dense as Vermillion realizes that the size of Atlas’s military is a cause of concern. Because of course they realize something is wrong if you put an armed automaton on every street corner. So much for trying to keep the peace and deal with Autumn’s condition with discretion. There goes our entire responsibility of putting the public at ease like proper guardians ought to do.

I am so rubbing this into Jimmy’s face later.

**Entry 10**

Oobleck explained that his expedition with team RWBY was very educational for all parties involved. He feels he really connected with the girls and that they all benefitted from his guidance and supervision.  
He suggests allowing more first years to venture into the dangerous, grim-infested areas outside of Vale. According to him, the risk to their safety is well worth the valuable education and experience.

I like Oobleck.

* * *

 

**\--VYTAL FESTIVAL NOTES—**

**Entry 1**

The life of a headmaster isn’t always as pleasant as one would expect but there are few things as rewarding as watching your students beat the snot out of each other. The semi-traditional betting pool with the other headmasters is also a joy and a great excuse to unwind and shoot the shit. It’s nice to talk to people that understand the burdens that come with having to deal with people. Even if James consistently refuses to join. Someone ought to pull that stick out of his rear.

I’m keeping my eyes on headmaster Goldglow. Vacuon bastard didn’t pay up when Haven won last year.

As for the betting pool. All in on Team CFVY. I heard they wrecked shit during the grim invasion a month ago. Plus they are seniors.

**Entry 2**

The opening ceremony was a blast. I am quite proud of the pyrotechnics myself and am glad everyone got to see it. Of course Glynda *had* to ask how this fit in our budget.

Quit killing my buzz Glynda.

**Entry 3**

Picking Oobleck as a commentator was a stroke of genius of me, if I say so myself. Which I do. His caffeine-fueled speaking is a natural fit for sport commentating.

The bad news is that I was afraid to decline Porter the position of co-commentator. The good news, I finally figured out his name is Porter. We are making progress.

All in all they have decent chemistry during the matches. Enough to amuse the crowds and dispense the necessary exposition anyway.

**Entry 4**

Who is that little girl with black hair and green eyes, fighting alongside the Haven students? I don’t know why but she is terrifying. It’s her smile. It feels like she has already planned my murder and funeral when she looks at me.

When I voiced my concerns to Glynda, she actually laughed at me.

Don’t be a dick Glynda.

**Entry 5**

I was very pleased with the 4 vs 4 performance of team RWBY. Their performance has improved significantly since the beginning of the year. Rose has grown better at coordinating her team, Xiao Long remains at top physical condition, Schnee’s magic has grown impressively and Belladonna has grown incredibly adapt at utilizing her semblance amidst combat.

Still, it would behoove them not to grow complacent. Team ABRN was armed with a hoverboard, a staff and their bare hands. Two of them didn’t even have guns! How novel is that?

**Entry 6**

Team JNPR’s victory was completely earned, heavily assisted by the RNG of the field generator. It sure was lucky Ms. Valkyrie had such easy access to not one but two sources of electricity! That sure was a convenience.

If Arc wasn’t such a certified dumbass, I’d suspect foul play.

Still, while team BRNZ wasn’t bad, Ms. Nikkos could have carried her team if Valkyrie would have had no access to her power source.

Additional note: I feel like I need to have a serious talk with headmaster Goldglow. How can this team only have 1 weapon that turns into a gun? This is borderline blasphemous.

**Entry 7**

Turns out two members of Team BRNZ have cracked ribs after Nora’s finishing blow.

I don’t have time for this. Let Glynda deal with this one.

**Entry 8**

Why is every guy in Team SSSN so gosh darn gorgeous? This is making me incredibly uncomfortable.

**Entry 9**

I had a fun meeting with Hamed Goldglow and Ahab Periwinkle. James had to deal with some military things I don’t really care about. Some issue with the Atlas systems I heard. Hamed and Ahab are excellent company and incredibly quick-witted. Ironwood would have ruined the atmosphere with his humorless attitude.

Ahab put his money on Team SSSN this year. After seeing their performance against Team NDGO I am not too concerned. The faunus boy might be a problem in a one on one match but if it were to come down to a team battle between SSSN and CFVY, Beacon has this victory secured.

Hamed meanwhile put his money on Team JADE. I have seen them in action during last year’s Vytal Festival and they are indeed a formidable force. Their leader in particular is a gifted mage.

A shame they had to fight Atlas’s two-man team P.C. in the first round.

Additional note: Ahab drinks his coffee with cream and no sugar. Much as I enjoy talking with him, I can not fully trust a man like that.

**Entry 10**

Of course Qrow had to wreck the courtyard. I don’t know why I expected him to nót wreck the courtyard. It seems like every member of his family is intent on wrecking the courtyard at sóme point. Don’t think I have forgotten Raven’s graduation.

Glynda will have to fix it later.

Additional note: If I find Qrow sneaking into my whisky cabinet again, I will allow Winter to kill him next time.

**Entry 11**

James got put in his place by Qrow. Bringing his entire military fleet to Vale like a complete idiot. Doing the entire good cop bad cop routine with Branwen was a lot of fun.

Get wrecked scrublord.

We high-fived after the meeting. I promised to play beer chess with Qrow again soon, even though I know I’ll regret it. Maybe this time I won’t allow 15 year olds into Beacon the morning after.

**Entry 12**

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Team CFVY got fucking robbed.

Glynda claimed Mercury was a unmotivated slacker who surrendered halfway through a 1 on 1 against an exhausted Pyrrha. When did he suddenly become amazing?

**Entry 13**

I just had a talk with Ahab about Mercury and Emerald. Apparently they are first year students and only enrolled into Haven two months ago?

They must have been raised outside of Mistral to be this proficient in combat. I wonder if I can convince Ahab to let them transfer to Beacon. Their talent could prove to be a valuable asset and if they possess the correct characteristics, they may very well one day become a new generation of guardians.

Additional note: Ahab fully regrets putting his money on Team SSSN after seeing his other students perform. If Sun and Neptune get eliminated this round, it’ll be considered a draw between SSSN and CFVY.

Though not exactly a victory, it would mean that we won’t have to cut the budget for our art students again.

**Entry 14**

Some would say having an android like P.E.N.N.Y. enter the Vytal Festival would be cheating.

I would say YOLO.

**Entry 15**

It’s hilarious how James tries to pretend team FNKI isn’t really part of Atlas. ‘No really, we are all strict and militaristic soldiers. Every student is raised to be efficient, disciplined and combat ready. Also, ignore the free-spirited meme-fueled students who are our only non-robots to make it to the second round’.

But really, when did the other academies start moving away from gunbased weaponry? Music based weaponry, a darn glow stick. Even the android isn’t using guns. I feel like a rift is created between us that the Vytal Festival just can’t fix.

Additional note: I just met the rest of team FNKI. I take back every positive thing I said. The Katt twins are completely insufferable together. The second sister wouldn't stop playing the damn keyboard.

**Entry 16**

Still looking for whomever took the power of the autumm maiden. In accordance with the rules set by the power our culprit must be female and according to Qrow, she is in Vale. Chances are that she is operating right under our noses. Maybe I should interrogate Ms Valkyrie.

Additional note: One of the teams from Haven has a member called Cinder Fall. What a silly name, can't wait to show it to Glynda.

**Entry 17**

Sweet merciful maidens, Ms Xiao Long just fucking kneecapped a guy. I knew Team RWBY sans Ms Schnee was pretty much destined for jail sooner or later but I kind of hoped they would wait until they wouldn't be my problem anymore. 

Now I'm going to have to ask Glynda to bail them out. 

* * *

 

Cinder squinted.

It became increasingly difficult to convince herself that this was clever misdirection. The more she looked at the evidence, the more it seemed like Ozpin was nót the fearsome rival she made him out to be. She wasn’t sure whether to be disappointed or relieved to find an ineffectual man like him in charge of humanity’s hope.

The final files beckoned her however.

Finding out who Ozpin nominated to be Beacon’s guardians and finding out the specific weaknesses of Team RWBY and Team JNPR could aid her plans in the long run.

Plus, she had been scrolling through his files for well over an hour and Cinder Fall does not leave a mission without results.

* * *

 

Every teacher at Beacon has a responsibility to ensure their knowledge and experience gets passed on to a new generation of huntsmen and huntresses. Some of these huntsmen will choose to explore the areas lost to mankind and combat the grim. Others choose to lend their services to the people, whether within the walls of our kingdoms or in the pockets of society that exist outside them. Others still become public figures that not only combat evil but inspire the people. That give them hope and the will to strive for a better future. These become our guardians.

It is customary at Beacon for each member of our inner circle to nominate a student, who will be groomed to become fit to carry such a responsibility. To become a guardian.

Professor Porter suggested Yatsuhashi Daichi as a candidate. An interesting, if unsurprising pick. He certainly isn’t lacking in strength and has shown his protective side multiple times over during the excursions of Team CFVY in their first and second year. What Yatsuhashi possesses in strength and discipline however, he significantly lacks in his ability to work independently. Without his teammates or teachers to instruct him, he often loses track of time or gets too absorbed with completing side-objectives.  
Keeping his skill and abilities in mind however, he might become a valuable agent after his graduation.

Professor Oobleck’s suggestion came as a surprise. After his expedition to Mountain Glenn, Bartholomew was charmed by the natural curiosity and huntress’s instinct of Ruby Rose. While I am all for putting a 15 year old in harm’s way, I find Ruby lacking. Her people skills in particular require improvement. She is too eager to please and is still learning how to show people the compassion they need.  
As a unit, Team RWBY has the traits we desire of a guardian: compassion, experience, skill, autonomy. When broken down to its individual members however, none of them encompasses what the title requires. Not yet anyway. With the fair chance existing of her either possessing part or the full extent of the summer maiden's powers, along with Ms Xiao Long, there is no doubt in my mind that she will soon become an important player. Ms Xiao Long is slowly entering adulthood and might be too headstrong for us to reign in. Ruby on the other hand might be young enough to be molded into what we’re looking for...  
We are taking Oobleck's suggestion into consideration.

Note to self: Check whether or not proposed course of action is ethical.

Additional note: If found unethical, do it anyway.

Glynda made the obvious call of Pyrrha Nikos. With her grades, skills, experience and attitude, there is little doubt in my mind that she’ll one day rise to the occasion and become a guardian. Whether or not we groom her for this task will not affect this outcome. She won’t nearly need as much guidance and training as the other suggested candidates either. As a matter of fact, when it comes to taking the position of the autumm maid, she requires no additional physical training for a smooth transition. Glynda knows by now that the best way to motivate me is giving me an option that includes as little work as possible.

Well played Glynda.

Finally Qrow, who insisted on joining our meeting, suggested Jaune Arc. There was a somewhat drunk explanation in there somewhere but the bottom line is that he has a thing for blondes.

He also reiterated that hé should be the one to become the next maid of autumm.

We don’t really listen to Qrow until he has been verified sober for a minimum of three days.

* * *

 

Cinder tried to keep her eye from twitching as Emerald walked into her room. Even when Ozpin was expected to keep a serious tone in his notes, there wasn’t any information she didn’t already know. Of course Nikos was going to be their candidate for a new guardian. She had been meticulously keeping a list of potential candidates herself and concluded that there was no better candidate among the new students.

Which naturally makes her the perfect target for sabotage.

There was only 1 file left. The analysis of Team RWBY and Team JNPR. Cinder looked at it skeptically. Would it really be worth her time after those last notes? It might shed some light on Yang and Pyrrha, the likeliest fighters of their respective teams to progress to the solo rounds.

But after the previous notes and the information they had already gathered…..

Cinder sighed.

“Oh well, in for a penny….”

* * *

 

**\-- ANALYSIS: TEAM RWBY/TEAM JNPR--**

The following is an essay examining the possible romantic relationships that can be formed within the first year students, focusing on Team RWBY and Team JNPR. I shall analyze each possibility and hopefully come to a conclusion on which are most likely, so that I can win the faculty betting pool this year.

I’m sick of Oobleck always winning.

I am excluding Team CRDL from this analysis. Barring copious amounts of alcohol, a giant bank account or budding homosexuality, I do not expect any of their members to find companionship this year.

**Ruby Rose x Weiss Schnee**

Ah, yes. An interesting pairing. Being partnered up as part of their initiation may not have been either one’s intention but they certainly learned a lot from each other over the past year. Ms Schnee has learned to unwind, if only a little and Ms Rose is learning what is expected of her as a leader. There seems to be a grudging respect between the two of them. Ruby appears to be very gay and isn’t expected to have much difficulty accepting her feelings should this continue. Weiss appears to be equally gay but might have some trouble coming out. Particularly if her sister continues visiting Beacon and her father continues to attempt to contact her. I might need to personally step in to give this pairing a push in the right direction.

Probability: Highly likely.

Additional note: I am not sure what Ironwood is planning, sending P.E.N.N.Y. to seduce my students but I can not have her mess up this year’s betting pool. Perhaps I can sabotage her via magnet.

**Ruby Rose x Blake Belladonna**

These two share a peculiar relation. While I believe Ms Belladonna accepts Ruby as her leader, an ally and perhaps even a friend, I do not believe she has any romantic interest in her. Cats and dogs and such. More so the pity. Ruby’s energetic nature would have complemented and benefitted from Blake’s more sober personality. This would have been a cute pairing but alas. It seems to me like Blake has more pressing romantic concerns.

Probability: Unlikely

**Ruby Rose x Yang Xiao Long**

My heart says yes.

My brain says no.

Probability: Highly unlikely.

**Ruby Rose x Jaune Arc**

This could work. I have found them bonding over their lack of people skills and over their positions as leaders. They seem like good friends, the types to watch bad movies on Friday nights and have friendly arguments over the minute things in life. It is a pleasant base for a developing relationship.

Still, I believe Mr Arc possesses an automatic deal breaker for this relationship to function. He is the unfortunate recipient of a Y-chromosome. Hahah, 10 points for Ozpin.

Probability: Plausible if proven bi

**Ruby Rose x Nora Valkyrie**

This would be a frightening combination. I would fear for the entire school is these two would ever begin dating. Their inane clumsiness, combined with their penchant for destruction could cause a calamity the likes of which Beacon has never seen. And they would cause it with a smile. The amount of work I would have to do to keep the peace would be staggering.

Thankfully, Ms Valkyrie seems to be occupied pursuing a different romantic interest. I’ll personally have Glynda bribe Mr Ren if it means keeping Nora and Ruby from becoming an item. No matter how cute professor Porter thinks this couple will be.

Probability: Plausible and destructive

**Ruby Rose x Pyrrha Nikos**

Now this is the kind of pairing I like to see. Constructive, beneficial and gay. Ms Nikos wants someone who sees past her fame. While I am sure Ruby is impressed, she won’t allow it to define their relation. Meanwhile, Pyrrha seems to have a soft spot for the socially awkward, the foolish and the unrefined, so Ruby should instantly score points there.

The two of them seem most comfortable when engaged in combat. Perhaps I need to rig a sparring match. After that they can hit the showers and….

I think I’ll continue this train of thought in my journal.

Probability: likely

**Ruby Rose x Lie Ren**

Unlikely. Ruby requires someone to talk with, not someone to talk against. Ren on the other hand requires someone he can be silent with. It is safe to say that this pairing isn’t going to win me any betting pools this year.

Probability: Highly unlikely

**Weiss Schnee x Blake Belladonna**

If Weiss is going to find it as difficult to confront her sexuality as I fear she will, I can only imagine how difficult she will find coping with these feelings if the recipient is a faunus. Allegedly there were some issues concerning Ms Belladonna’s race earlier this year. This to me further illustrates how ill prepared she is for a relationship with a faunus. Her loss, really.  
Ms Belladonna also strikes me as the kind of person to not forget that Weiss has slighted her in the past. Though they are on friendly terms now, I fear a romantic relationship between the two may soon grow volatile. That being said, I would most enjoy being proven wrong on this one.

Probability: unlikely

**Weiss Schnee x Yang Xiao Long**

Quite frankly, I wouldn’t put anyone past Ms Xiao Long. She seems like kind an animal to me and will probably dole out the tough loving Ms Schnee desperately needs. Still, I am not convinced Yang is willing to settle down and don’t think Weiss will approve of her sexual escapades…

Probability: unlikely

Additional note: Contact the old man guild and have them make sexcapades a word already.

**Weiss Schnee x Jaune Arc**

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Probability: no

**Weiss Schnee x Nora Valkyrie**

Highly unlikely. Everything that initially turned Ms Schnee off of Ruby is present tenfold in Ms Valkyrie. In turn, I am sure Nora would be most annoyed with Weiss’s more prissy moods and high standards.

Note to self: Have these two team up and measure their reactions for a chuckle. Claim it was an important life lesson or something.

Probability: highly unlikely

**Weiss Schnee x Pyrrha Nikos**

Exhibit A of proving to my colleagues that Ms Schnee is in fact a homosexual. Some would say Weiss was initially drawn to Ms Nikos’s reputation. I would say she was drawn by Pyrrha’s incredible good looks. Unfortunately, she might be displeased with Weiss’s courtship and reject her altogether if she feels she is only doing it because of her reputation. If successful however, these two will become an incredible power couple.

Probability: plausible

Additional note: Who is this Neptune I keep hearing about?

**Weiss Schnee x Lie Ren**

This would be a curious pairing. Ren is an agreeable and thoughtful fellow. Much to Ms Valkyrie’s chagrin, I am certain that Ms Schnee would be very appreciative of his attitude. For Ren however, I imagine any form of intimate relation might put him at serious danger of having to hold an actual conversation.

Probability: unlikely

**Blake Belladonna x Yang Xiao Long**

What do you mean this hasn’t happened yet? When walking past the lecture hall I found the two of them in a heated debate about Blake having to go to bed or something. They sounded really emotional too, as if something had been building up between the two of them. These two are definitely sleeping together but maybe they are keeping it on the down-low.

Which means the real challenge will be convincing the rest of the faculty that they’re banging.

Probability: already happening

Additional note: What is that Vacuo faunus thinking, chatting up Ms Belladonna. And… is she reciprocating? I swear, if he messes with my shipping diagram there will be hell to pay.

**Blake Belladonna x Jaune Arc**

I can scarcely picture a pairing more awkward. Mr Arc is not equipped to deal with Ms Belladonna’s emotional and tumultuous past. I can’t imagine Blake being very happy to deal with Jaune’s various hang-ups either. Perhaps it is better not too couple these two. Just to save everyone the second-hand embarrassment.

Probability: not happening

**Blake Belladonna x Nora Valkyrie**

This would be….. Interesting. Ms Belladonna and Ms Valkyrie have precious few things in common. They both possess talent to become extraordinary huntresses and come from less than joyous backgrounds. Besides that, these two seem like each other’s polar opposite. Realism and optimism, naivity and cynicism, a semblance that encourages fleeing and a semblance that encourages diving headfirst into danger.

I am most curious to see how these two would interact. Unfortunately, I don’t see a romantic spark between these two. If there’s any room for intimacy between these two, perhaps the groundwork can be laid for a relation in their second year.

Probability: unlikely

**Blake Belladonna x Pyrrha Nikos**

This would be a good, if short-lived relation, assuming it gets off the ground at all. If there is an attraction between the two of them I doubt either one of them would be assertive enough to make a move. I’ve witnessed Pyrrha chatting up Mr Arc and if she fails to be open to him, she has little chance against Blake.

Even if they do get together, I imagine there will be a lot of…. learning to do. Ms Nikos strikes me as a very attentive partner and Blake strikes me as the type to want to return the favor every single time. While very sweet, one can only keep that up for so long. Sooner or later, Blake will come to see Pyrrha’s romantic gestures as challenges. Depending on how they’d deal with this, their relation could go sour very swiftly.

Though they will both learn life lessons on the importance of proper communication between lovers, I don’t see this developing into a relationship.

Probability: unfortunately unlikely

**Blake Belladonna x Lie Ren**

Somehow, I think this would be a very functional, if incredibly dull, pairing. Everyone has seen the types. The lovers sitting across each other in the library, occasionally exchanging glances without saying a word, complacent in their silence. Yes, it could be a functional and very loving relationship but I imagine it would drive their respective team up the walls. I can already see Ms Rose and Ms Xiao Long cooperating to force Blake and Ren into a more intimate setting, while Ms Valkyrie occasionally bursts in to see if they are having sex yet.

Would be a great team building exercise for these students.

Probability: Plausible

**Yang Xiao Long x Jaune Arc**

There isn’t enough soothing cream on Remnant to make Mr Arc ache any less once Ms Xiao Long is done with him. He’ll be destroyed and she’ll be unsatisfied. For the sake of his health and his ego, I hope this isn’t a relationship we’ll see blossom any time soon. For the sake of my personal amusement however, I may have to look into engineering an intimate situation for these two.

No one ever suspects the headmaster is fucking with their personal lives.

Probability: not happening without outside assistance

**Yang Xiao Long x Nora Valkyrie**

Even more dangerous and destructive than the Ruby x Nora pairing. If this happens, I am taking a leave of absence to combat the grim because it is better for my health and less likely to kill me. Until they break up or graduate, they can be Glynda’s problem.

Probability: please no

**Yang Xiao Long x Pyrrha Nikos**

Ms Xiao Long and Ms Nikos can probably have anyone they want. The two of them coming together would quite possibly result in the strongest combination Beacon has seen since Qrow and Raven. Pyrrha’s collected poise would also compliment Yang’s more impulsive moments. Surely the two of them share a healthy amount of respect and might even admit to a mutual attraction? The two of them certainly would be a passionate couple. They may just need a little push.

Note to self: pull some strings. Both of them are talented dancers. Maybe this can be used to create an opening. Just tell Glynda it is to teach both of them something about respect and pretend any incidental make-outs are purely coincidental.

Probability: plausible to very likely

**Yang Xiao Long x Lie Ren**

Ms Xiao Long seems very pro-active to me. I’m just not entirely sure she is after shy….. prey? Besides, she respects that Ms Valkyrie called first dibbs.

Probability: unlikely

**Jaune Arc x Nora Valkyrie**

Interesting pairing but Ms Valkyrie appears to be much more aware of her surroundings than given credit for. In fact, I assume her to be an avid Arkos shipper herself. While she might be at least a little bit curious, she will never go through with this. Professor Porter is a fool for suggesting it.

Probability: highly unlikely

**Jaune Arc x Pyrrha Nikos**

I fully expect Ms Nikos to just lose her cool one of these days, take the boy, kiss him and then leave disappointed. Honestly, none would blame her. But yes, that is definitely a thing that will happen this year.

Probability: highly likely

Additional note: I wonder if the betting pool gives bonus points for predicting a pairing forming ánd breaking up. Have Glynda look into that later.

**Jaune Arc x Lie Ren**

Well, if either of them would have to pick a man, it certainly wouldn’t be a member from Team CRDL. Maybe one of the Team SSSN members but I digress. Mr Arc suffers from an incredibly fragile sense of masculinity and wouldn’t risk damaging it. Ren probably….. would be okay with anything? I think?

He is difficult to get a read on.

Probability: unlikely

**Nora Valkyrie x Pyrrha Nikos**

If either of them would have to pick a girl, yes. Maybe they would conspire to encourage the remainder of their team to just drop the pretense and go for it already. Maybe Ms Nikos one day approaches Ms Valkyrie and wants a subject to practice on before going to Mr Arc and…..

I think I best continue this train of thought in my private journal again.

Probability: plausible?

**Nora Valkyrie x Lie Ren**

Maybe Ms Valkyrie and Mr Lie will eventually hook up together but it will certainly have to wait till their second or third year. As of right now, neither of them seem to be willing to take the plunge. Having heavily relied on each other in the past and having seen each other at their ugliest, their relationship in a very intimate area but it isn’t romantic. Not yet. My personal take is that they are both terrified to sully what they have by bringing romance into it

Oobleck’s take is that the boy is aromantic, which is also a possibility.

We’ll see where their relationship goes. 17 is a very tumultuous age after all. This year however, I am not putting my money on them.

Probability: increasingly plausible every year

**Pyrrha Nikos x Lie Ren**

This would quite frankly be an adorable pairing but Ms Nikos wouldn’t want her team to think she was making a fuss. She would be unwilling to cause a shift in the social balance of her team, assuming there is an attraction at all, leaving this pairing wholly unexplored.

Probability: unlikely but not impossible

**Conclusive pairings**

For the betting pool we are using the most likely pairings, just to show Oobleck. These pairings are…

Ruby Rose x Weiss Schnee  
Blake Belladonna x Yang Xiao Long  
Jaune Arc x Pyrrha Nikos (broken up)  
Yang Xiao Long x Pyrrha Nikos (engineered)

Developments but no concrete steps toward Nora Valkyrie x Lie Ren this year.

Come at me Oobleck.

* * *

 

Cinder dropped the tablet on her lap and looked defeated at a blank patch of wall.

A shipping grid? Was Ozpin really this dense?

How long had she been planning this operation? Weeks? Months? Years? Decades? All to dethrone a man, to make this man lose all sense of hope, while he probably struggles to tie his own shoelaces.

Had she walked into a trap?

It had to be. It had to be a trap.

There was no earthly way the headmaster of Beacon, the guardian of Vale, was this incredibly stupid. It was impossible for him to be wasting his time shipping his students, or write nonsense notes.

Her eyes narrowed as she gazed to his tower.

“What are you thinking?” she murmered.

And then he appeared. Ozpin was standing right there, in front of his window, looking into the distance.

Every possibility shot through Cinder’s mind. A long distance assassination attempt? No, his aura would let him survive that and their cover would be blown. Look back and taunt him? No. she isn’t thinking straight. She should ignore Ozpin and keep her cover. That is her only option.

But then he glanced down and made eye-contact.

Cinder’s worst fear come true.

Ozpin smiled knowingly at her. He waved at her.

In blind frustration she flicked her tablet across the room and stood up, packing her things.

“Ma’am?” Emerald asked.

“We’ve been compromised.” Cinder hissed, collecting scattered vials of dust.”Ozpin has been playing us for fools. We are postponing the mission.”

“But ma’am, we—“

“He has consistently been one step ahead of us Sustrai. Now contact Mercury and tell him to leave everything but the bare essentials! There are probably Atlas drones coming our way as we speak.”

“I—Yes ma’am. On it.”

* * *

 

“Sir, what are you doing?”

“Not now Glynda.” Ozpin replied, still looking out of his window. “I am doing something very important right now.”

“Sir….” she groaned. “What could possibly so important that you missed your meeting with the other headmasters?”

“Glynda, I am in the middle of some well-deserved gloating right now, after a well executed plan.” Ozpin stated. “You can tell the general that I have bought him some time to get rid of the virus that is probably infecting his sytems.”

“How have you—“

“Just make sure you really rub it in his face.” He continued. “Make sure he is fully aware that the security leak was caused from his end.”

There was an awkward pause between the two of them.

“Sir…. Are you wearing my shoes?”

Ozpin sighed and sat down in his chair. He slowly turned around to face his most trusted companion and confidant and looked her square in the eye.

“Don’t be a scrublord Glynda.”

**Author's Note:**

> Is Ozpin an incompetent moron or an incredibly wise manipulator? The truth is probably somewhere in the middle
> 
> Was getting a block on my other fics and I had to keep writing. I am sorry you read this but I am not actually sorry? In fact, I hope you had a chuckle.
> 
> Based on this [prompt](http://thewanderingdelusion.tumblr.com/post/134705081180/headcanons-that-cinder-found-a-heavily-encrypted) by tumblr user thewanderingdelusion.
> 
> Only three OC's mentioned, which I consider to be well within the acceptable margins. Professor Vermillion requires no explanation, headmaster Ahab Periwinkle of Haven is based off of captain Ahab from the tale of Moby Dick and headmaster Hamed Goldglow of Shade is based on the sultan from the tale of Aladdin. I thought it'd be appropriate for Ozpin to interract with the other headmasters.
> 
> There is also a mention of Neon Katt's keyboard playing twin-sister. Casio Katt. Still looking for a meme to base the fourth team FNKI member on.
> 
> Ozpin's views on shipping the RWBY teams only slightly resembles my own.


End file.
